Being present
In September I get very excited.
It’s the season for the release of the new iPhone and being a bit of an Apple fan this is a happy time.
I check excitedly to see if I can upgrade and how long it’s been since I did.
It becomes a balance between head and heart - my heart going yes, and my head trying to find ways to say no and justify it at the same time.
I don’t have an issue with all of this - I like to try new tech to see how it can help me do fun things in a cooler way, but also because I’ve been involved with technology since my teenage years.
Early BBC-B micros at school.
A Commodore 64 at home.
And my first major post-GCSE journey into academic study was computer based.
What’s interesting is in the last few years for me, technology has created a big internal discussion around being present.
About how technology is meant to make life easier, but can lead to complications in other areas.
But what do I even mean by being present?
Interestingly it’s hard to find a concrete definition of what being present even means, but if we break the two words down, this is what we get.
Present - “occurring now”
Being - “a state of existing”.
From that we could probably put them together to something like this “a state of existing or occurring now”.
You’re probably reading that and thinking “no shizzle Sherlock!”, but let me ask you a question - even though you are here in this moment are you really here?
And yes, that’s a weird question, but even when you are in this moment, where are you thoughts? Maybe you’re thinking of stuff that you have to do. Perhaps you are remembering something someone said to you moments, days, weeks or even years ago.
While your body may exist in this moment, your mind is often doing a tour of time.
Being present is in many respects the precursor to formal mindfulness practice, the process described by Jon Kabat-Zinn as “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally, in the service of self-understanding and wisdom”.
But for now, let’s think of being present as a greater attention on your internal space - your emotions, thoughts, mood and feelings.
And - crucially - being more present for those around you.
How do you know if you are being present?
At a recent MSc weekend we talked about being present and asked the question “how do you know if you are being present with someone?”.
We all sat with this for a while and returned with various answers.
“When I feel like I am present”.
“If I’m aware of my breathing”.
“When I don’t feel like being anywhere else”.
All great answers, right? But the one they missed was this - “when the other person tells you that you are being present”.
Take a moment to think back to a time when you have been with friends or colleagues and they are distracted, watching their phones and reacting to each and every ping or buzz. How does that make you feel?
I’ll bet there’s discomfort.
Possibly frustration
Maybe even a feeling that you are not worthy.
That feeling that you are not quite as important as the rectangular device in their possession.
Now, I know that people have things going on in their lives and as a parent I want to know that I can respond should my family need anything, and we all manage that energy in different ways.
And I’m also picking on phones as I know there are other things that lead to distractions.
(Sorry phones)
We are in a culture of constantly being bombarded with information and other people wanting our attention.
Because our attention has huge amounts of value and in many respects a huge commodity.
We can’t totally switch off that stream of information and bombardment, but we can turn it down.
Removing the distractions.
And that’s what I’ve been doing over the past couple of years.
Removing apps from my phone.
Switching off notifications.
Being more offline at weekends.
Putting the phone on silent.
Blocking websites so that I can focus on work or at times when I might idly type a distracting website into the browser.
All that has really helped me to feel less anxious and in more control of my attention.
You know it makes a difference when people notice those important boundaries you’ve been clever enough to put in place.
(and maybe get a little annoyed when you don’t answer their messenger message on a weekend 🤣)
Where did my watch go?
Recently I took off my smart watch to charge it and forgot to put it back on, only noticing when I was in a local shop and went to check the time.
My wrist felt naked.
My intention was to put it back on when I got home, but I didn’t and it’s not been on since.
And as someone who clocks their workouts and walks, that is huge.
Not having the watch on has given me a real energy of liberation and not being tied to anything, and not being guided in my interaction by a piece of technology on my wrist.
Will I put it on again? I’ll never say never, but if I do I hope it’s done from a place of me being in charge of the watch, not the other way around.
Since then there have been many reminders of how essential presence is.
Not just for yourself, but also for others.
Being present for others.
After a couple of days of not wearing the watch I met a friend for a drink and sat with them a talked.
I was thinking about this whole being present thing, so I made the effort to be totally present for them.
No phone on the table.
No watch on the wrist.
No agenda other than giving them my total attention.
Their words and gestures took my attention.
I noticed more in the subtle parts of their movements.
And instead of listening while also thinking about how I would respond, I just watched and listened.
Even if that meant a bit of space before I could respond.
I really noticed the difference in that conversation and I like to think they did too, but it’s not up to me, right?
It was one of the most fulfilling and pleasant conversations and that for me is priceless.
The lesson.
In all of this there is a lesson. Maybe the one I get from it is different to the one you get, and that’s cool.
I’m not calling for you to ditch everything that comes into your world, but what I am inviting you to do is cultivate opportunities to be present.
And protect them with total commitment.
With a friend - ditch the phone, sit, listen and be present.
With your work - be clear on boundaries and know how to balance between maker and manager states.
With your children - let their words fill your soul.
With yourself - and that’s the hardest one - be totally present to your whole experience.
None of this is easy, but it’s worth it on so many levels.
Let me know how you get on.
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